Love you Appa

Reality has still not sinked in completely. At times I still feel Appa is there, just 2 lanes away from my house. After losing him, something has died within me. 

I am good at hiding myself from the world behind a mask. So, nobody knows what kind of storm I am holding inside. Infact, some may comment about how strong or how emotionless I am. I don't believe in sharing my sorrows with others. Guess it neither helps me nor the others. This feeling of loss will stay with me forever and no one can fill this void ever. As they say, you realize the importance of a person only when you lose him. 

I may not have expressed my love for him in so many words, but deep down I know he knew it. He was proud of me for my achievements, though I truly feel I haven't done much yet. I owe my life to him and my mother, who have always been supportive and have pampered me to the extent of spoiling. He was not ambitious and was quite content with what he had. He thought life had been unfair to him but I think he was stubborn enough to lead it on his own terms.

I would always hold myself guilty for not being able to spend enough time with him during his last days, especially when he really needed my love and care to pass through the pain and sufferings of his ill health. He felt lonely and needed his daughter's moral support. I feel miserable on my existence for not being able to be with my father and can never forgive myself for this.

I have fought with him, argued with him, advised him and had fun with him. He shared a lot of lessons learnt in his life while he didn't say a lot of things directly. All I know is that he was a good human being and never wished bad for anybody.

I want to tell Appa that I am sorry for not spending enough time with him and that I will always love and respect him for who he was. He is and will always be alive in my memories...