Here again

Well, feel nostalgic to be back to blogging. Once again quite a break of 1.5 years before I wanted to write about my feelings again. Not that I don't introspect, I just don't believe in putting it out there. 

My elder one is 8yrs+ and the younger one is 1.25 yrs. I feel proud of managing everything- kids, job, MA Psych (definitely with support of my mother and spouse). I feel fairly confident about doing well in the field of counselling. Still I haven't been able to muster the courage of changing the direction of my career. But I think I am slowly progressing. If I succeed in changing my career stream, it would a tribute to my father who suffered from and survived throug Schizophrenia. However, he always wanted me to be pursuing a well paying job. Maybe I never tried to explain my motivation behind pursuing psychology to him. I have seen him with inferiority complex, regrets, sadness, and disappointment. I have seen my mother struggle managing two people with mental health issues along with a young kid. She didn't give up though. 

If I get a chance to empower someone to continue fighting their circumstances with the will to survive, I would be previleged. Despite knowing this, I fear failure. I would be a failure if I am not able to provide the best to my children. I would be a failure if I am unable to provide the best mecal facilities to my mother. I would be a failure if I don't meet my husband's expectations. My self worth is defined by all of this. I am scared to look deep and figure out what is it that I want. Leaving career for children seems like an emotional decision. Pursuing career to increase family income seems like a capitalist approach. Pursuing psychology as my career seems like a passionate decision. I am struggling to find a middle path. I am scared to lose what I have gained (earning potential, seniority at work, social status) and restart.

I want to be there for my children but don't want to lose my identity as an independent women to become the best mom. Is there a path that will leave me regret-free? Can my state of mind be stable ever?

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